Love/Hate Game

                      Love/ Hate Game


You love me I love you not

Who would have thought

After all these times I let you go

It don't feel the same

He don't feel the same

She don't feel the same

What a shame!

Naw, I call it the crying game

Loves not lost

Just still as a lamp post

I still have a heart

There is no icebox

I want to feel your touch

Kiss my lips while I wind my hips

It's about to get foggy on my page

Whispers in rage

I'm just playing the love hate game

One minute I love you

The other minute you drive me insane

This is the circle of life so hold real tight

Quality Time

Spending quality time

Smelling like doves men cologne

Love the feeling of  us being alone

Rather see you face to face forget the phone

You don't like the jet black

You say color makes me look more vibrant

But I'm still a diamond

The love that I've known use to be lost and gone

Now I just pick up a micro phone

and let them know that you are the only one

No more busy tone

Just the sound of the moan

I write what I feel at the time

Right now I'm at an all time high

No longer on my K. Coles

On my J. Coles

Living free never felt so good

Knows how to be smooth and keep it hood

This type of loving never felt so good

I was, I am , I will be

Every time I write I learn more and more about myself and what type of woman I use to be and will become.  I am a solid woman that has learned to take life with a grain of salt.  Not perfect, but learning through my own eyes this is my  life...

               I WAS...I AM...I WILL BE.                                        

                                      I was the begging woman
                                      I was the stupid woman
                                      I was the I will die without him woman
                                      I was the to independent woman
                                      I was the love is blind woman
                                      I was the it took me to long to love myself woman
       
                                    
                                      I am the brush it off woman
                                      I am the fuck it hands in the air woman
                                      I am a proud woman
                                      Mistakes and all, woman
                                      I was the weak now I am strong woman
                                      I been the broken down woman
                                      I built myself right back up type woman                                         
                                       

                            I am a mother, sister, daughter, all around type woman.
                                  
                                        

Questions

Questions

I write about all of my thoughts but in the same tone afraid to express myself.  How do you know when it's real?!  How do you know when to stop and feel?!  Who is Mr. Right?  All these thoughts run my mind.  What do you do when you don't trust answering these questions yourself?!  I never liked when people touched me.  How weird does that make me?  I thought I was over you but you keep revisiting my mind!  When will I be able to trust again?  When will I be able to let people go?  Why can't I ever make up my mind?  I am creatively inclined so it makes my emotions go to an all-time high.  What, When and Where will all these questions lead me?  This is the point where I have to believe in me!  Only I can answer all these questions that seem to boggle me!

Work in Progress

                                                       "Work in Progress"

I didn't realize I was so lost
To give it all I had came with a cost
Felt like Jack frost melting until the sun came up
Moon down staring at the stars
The light felt a million years apart

The silent stares bickering in my ears
I was once lost but now I'm found
Certain words can be so profound
Like a child without a father
sometimes you feel like why bother?
I don't need applause from the crowd
I just need someone to hear me out
I'm a work in progress so hear me out

From having a child at a young age
From finishing school, to having a good job
From writing a blog
I'm a work in progress so hear me out

"Moving Forward"

                                    Moving Forward

As the tears flow you can see that she has held the world in her soul

The numbing feeling in her toes, she walked miles on the yellow brick road

She stops and looks up at the sign. Which way do I continue to travel?

One sign says new year, new goals

The other sign says continue onto the same road

Listening to the whisper of a much wiser woman she realizes life is too short

She takes one last look back and continues on to the right road

Happiness only comes from  you and what you choose

ANXIETY

ANXIETY

Feeling Some kind of way

Some may say I'm overreacting

But thoughts are leaking to my heart

Feeling like: Is this the wrong thing to say?

If I speak the truth will you walk away?

I can't help but speak my thoughts, and know you will get angry

Feeling anxiety that this is how it must be

Have to sit for a second and catch my being

Feeling like it's hard for me to breath

This is deeper then you and me

 Suicidal Feeling

Going to create something so my juices are flowing

Maybe I relate to the suicidal feeling...free of the mind and flying with the body.

Painted elephants on my arm as a sign of my luck

Born to live free and will die everyday living free!

Wanted by many had by few


Taste of grape fruit

Knowledge starting from the tree root

You're stuck on stupid like a car boot

Pretty on the outside
But the uglyness clouds her brain
She is brillantly insane

"She Smiles"

Nobody really knows in her mind what dwells

The thoughts that go through her mind are like a spell

I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I change colors as quick as the leaves.

Love you hard once, Shame on you; love you hard twice shame on me.

My hearts's building up a fee, my love is nolonger free.

One way streets I am inclined to drive through until I find a two way street.

I'm not looking for my other half, I'm looking for my other whole.

That type of love that will mend my soul.

Quoting" fuck love" cuz she's no longer here

The Innocent Eyes of Children...

While watching a movie with my two year old niece, she says to me, "Look at the Earth Blue, it's so beautiful!"

Simple things like that is what I work on living for.  So young, but they view life in such a beautiful way.

The first time they touch a flower it's the feeling of new life.  The first time they taste their favorite food, their taste buds start to dance.

The first time they see an airplane, they stare up at the sky with the widest eyes.  The birds, "but mommy how does it fly?" inquiring minds.

I can touch, feel, walk is something that excites them.

My two year old godson was crying.  My niece proceeded to grab a tissue and ask him why he was so sad while wiping his tears and telling him, "it's ok, don't be sad."  They hardly speak but know how to communicate.  How is it that two and three year olds know how to communicate so well and adults lack that skill?

They touch, feel and speak sometimes without words.

I know as we get older we all learn different life lessons, but that should not take away from the simple things in life we learn.

"Use to remember"

                                                                "Use to remember"

I use to love him, now I only have a vague memory of him.

He made me smile once upon a time, but now I hardly remember him.

You came along in my life, and things became so simple

Sitting in the backyard looking at the stars, now I can remember

Thought it was love but it was sometime in December

Every time he would threaten to leave I would play Gone ‘til November

Good or bad he was someone I use to remember

Kissing your lips made me feel a tremble,

And you replaced the man I use to remember

Good or bad he was someone I use to remember

He doesn’t  just  want to have sex with me but he wants to lay with me

Why is this feeling foreign to me?

Used to men that don’t speak but he wants to get to know me

He makes me angry he makes me cry

He makes me happy he makes me smile

This is the joy of loving someone from your insides

I’m not sure what it is and I like it

Makes me lose all train of thought and I like it

Got me feeling all jumbled inside and I like it

You take me out of my comfort zone and I like it

...I Like It...

"Thinking Out Loud"

I know you might not respond and I might not either
burning through each other's souls like ether
but we both listen to the other maybe thinking about the other
sometimes wondering about the other
with that in mind we go far holding that other person to heart
could be seas apart but I still come through
two, three years still ride for you
unspoken ryders moving in life like spiders
we know we belong but create our own webs
catch it in your net life isn't all set
like a glove your love felt like seeing a blue dove
no commas no marks just my rambling thoughts
making his song cry I don't do revenge
I go on a loving life binge
yeah, some may cringe but at the end of the day I am ok
it's the first time of life when I realized I was able to let go
toe to toe bring your words
sounds like endless slurs
butterfly traps take off caps
the honey bee I don't wear yellow
you will not sting me ...
He treated me like a soldier,
because I come off hard as a rock swinging like a bolder
You're not allowed to cry that's what you told yourself

I can't say I don't when I do

When your mind's telling you not to care ,
but your heart is beating so loud it drowns the thought out...
just thinking out loud........

"While reaching for the stars I touched the moon"

I dream about  writing as a color scheme

One line becomes nine

This is the beginning of my dream

The next lines will get you intertwined

I dream about climbing to a mountain top with my eyes wide shut

I dream about swimming with fish without a life jacket

I dream about living in a big house without picket fence

I dream about bungee jumping without the cord
I dream with imperfection

Dreaming with my eyes open my brain keeps on twirking

Dreaming about Purple Skies, Pink Moon, running through a yellow field

Dreaming about  playing on a sun filled rainy day

Dreaming about snow falling on a summer day

Dreaming about the impossible being possible

What is Cape Verde?

My parents uprooted their whole family to another country, I can't be afraid to go anywhere I'm only afraid of going nowhere..

What is Cape Verde? I have been asked that question more times than I can count! It is beautiful, it is black, it is white, it is every different shade. It is poor, rich in many different ways. It is African, Portuguese, we have more cultures running through our veins, more than I can even begin to say.


The women dance from their hips to the sounds of Coladeira, Funana, and Morna. Let's not forget the smells and taste of Catchupa, Canja, Arroz ku fijon, and Pastels.

You ask what is Cape Verde??? It is a small piece of the map on the west coast of Africa but it spreads like wild fire. I live here, I live there, I am everywhere.

My people hold my flag high with pride, got my independence in '75. I am your mother, your father, I am the volcanos that might erupt. I am the hot black sand. I am Brava, Praia, San Vincente, Sal, Boa Vista, Maio, Fogo, Santa Luzia, Santo Antao. I am Cardoso, Pereira, Gibau, Goncalves, Gomes, Barros, Barbosa, Baptista, Rodrigues, Teixeira, Depina, please let me know if I have left you out. This is Cabo Verde, Cape Verde, Cape Verdean.

Dear John,

You shattered me into a million pieces!  My heart is filled with creases.  I trusted so much; even looking in the mirror couldn’t help me see.  I was willing to stand by your side, even through the really bad times.  I write what I feel.  If I were colors, I would be Teal.  My face was flushed with tears.  You ran away from your biggest fear.  Letting me in, letting me love you.  The woman before, how could she hurt you?  I am not she, and you cannot see past me.

Always had a problem with the slip of the tongue, my anger keeps asking to come.  Now I keep it silent, until you’re sitting at my front door crying.  I don’t go down memory lane.  I lock that shyt up, dead bolted in my brain.  If you get a busy tone, just know love is on my other line.

If I no longer get upset, just know the love is gone…

If I no longer respond, just know I could no longer hold on…

If you are reading this letter, just know you’ve received my “Dear John.”

 Sincerely, Shattered but not Broken

"Thinking Of You Always"

The thought of you makes me smile, when you were no longer here I started to cry. The light came down on me, and with that my heart knew one day we would once again meet. I think of you from time to time. The day you passed will forever remain in my mind. You touched my mind, my heart, and with your loss you touched my soul. A real angel was here on Earth. We sit and tell stories about you, and laugh so hard. We now live our lives because of you. When people mention you, they mention all the good you would do. Like vanilla sky we wake, and it is a different time. But in our hearts you will always shine.

by Amarisa Mija Cardoso on Thursday, August 12, 2010 at 11:14am

 

"Temptation"

You broke my heart...

For a second, broke my Mind
My brain and heart will never be intertwined

All I got is my dime

I made a call but still it did not shine.
You looked but did not see me

All I wanted was you to listen not hear me talking...
One ear out the other then you play pretend

So much aggression, why you keep letting her in?
Temptation has you fully attached to she plays devil advocate
While I tap you on the right side of your shoulder.
Like school days wake up, EVERYBODY WAKE UP!
Love is not a game...

It is known to drive people out of their sane state of mind.
Melon drops of tears

I loved you with everything I had left over from the past mistakes
No more sugar plum baby cakes

I am that woman that you left over temptation
Now she has left you alone with your thoughts of damn she was so down for me...
I'm going to build 'til I can't build no more

You will feel me come out your pores
I can't cry forever,

Let you lie to me forever

You took the last bite of the pie......

2009

"ABSTRACT LOVE"

He must've fell from the sky, the stars twinkle in his eyes. Some say he is from Mars I say the moon, why wasn't he sent to me sooner. Let's not play any games tell me your name….I saw your smile and thought we  might chat for a while…Like a silly school girl butterflies in my tummy you look sooooo yummy..
He wonders why I call him fresh with his one two step. Madd cool with a hint of old school. The walls are up but he can tear them down. Handles me with care leaves me with no fears. No longer stuck on stupid struck by cupid.  Smiling from ear to ear he leaves me without fear. The past is full of lies so step back and let me sing you a real lullaby. You unmasked me with your eyes like you want to see what's inside. Tear down my walls like Niagara Falls.  What is in the light came from the dark, strike a match he is a good catch. His voice beats so soft on my ear drums .. Cosmically bound he makes my world go round.  Take me on a trip with black sand I will gladly hold your hands…The touch of a real man has helped me outgrow my past. We will live long lives the thought of 
not having you gives me hives...

Abstract Love.2009

  "Watching Time Fall"

Trapped in these walls watching time fall.
I can not step back but only move forward.
I sit and think I always have tomorrow,
But seem to forget the time is only borrowed,
have drowned myself in my own sorrows
have walked steps can't begin to count the miles
have grown like the connection of tiles.
Living without regret willing to forgive
so I can take the load off of my heart, mind, soul
Taking up to much space and time
You have not noticed you solicit the crime
one tear drop for every minute that I let you push me back in time
I am resilient
have walked with the weight on my back
Lifted it to my shoulders and I finally hold it above my head
I pass this strength of my arms to my daughter
she will never watch time fall
Learn from me while I still am allowed to be
I am not a star but have learned over time to warm my heart
Money, clothes, and cars never make you who you are
Patient, discipline, faith, family, friends and morals Is what comes deep down from the core
Counter clockwise as I now watch time rise "So Much Potential" a work in progress.